Eulogy to my Slippers

Zoe the “Show Queen.”

Someone has to be held responsible! And yes, I plead guilty! I knew, I know, and I should know in the future, but my brain doesn’t seem to register it!

Therefore, I am now barefoot in the house! I can’t wear flip flops. Seriously? It’s 15 degrees outside. I would look silly with them in the house surrounded by 1 foot of snow outside! So I am barefoot!

I had slippers, the best ones ever, the comfy one, the cute ones from Target! Yes, yes, yes, I am a Target girl! The proof? Right now because of my love for Target, I receive every day phone calls from people who want to get my SS and all my info telling me that they can lower the rates on the credit card I don’t have to almost nothing! And I can’t even report them since they are calling me from numbers which don’t exist. Is it paranoia or what?

Anyway to go back to Target, every year I get a pair of these comfy socks/slippers. Last fall, when my feet needed some TLC, I bought a new pair, but kept the old ones as well, just because. Let me tell you “just because” was not even enough!

I have a dog, I have dogs, OK, I have a pack, and even though sometimes I give myself the illusion of being the “alpha,” I don’t think they see it that way, at least not all the time!

One of them is a beautiful girl, yellow, with a long nose (her face looks more like a collie) and sometimes I wonder if Lola, her Mom, did not have a quick affair with the postman’s dog or something! Anyway, Zoe is a yellow lab. She is blonde, and has a lot of “Zoe moments.”

Since she was born (hey I was there!) she had a thing with shoes. At 8 weeks old, she was stealing my sneakers when she managed to find them, and using them (one at the time) as a pacifier. Shoes make her feel good. I follow her there honestly. I love shoes or should I say I loved shoes? My taste in shoes has greatly evolved: from high heels, I am now at cowboys boots! But Zoe doesn’t mind the change. OK, if she could still get into a pair of stilettos, she probably would, but my change of style really never bothered her.

So, to go back to my slippers, I forgot – sue me! I am just human! – my pair of slippers under my desk when I left to run an errand! As soon as I came back home, I knew that a cold murder had taken place on the couch: the remains of one of them was there, while Zoe, seeing my “look”, just flew away with the remaining one! Some could think that Zoe is somewhat “mentally challenged” but let me tell you, she knew exactly what she was doing: she went straight to her crate, sat there with the slipper between her front legs and looked at me like “You can’t catch me!” Rule #1 in the house: their crates are untouchable. I will never punish someone with a smack on his or her butt when they are in their crates. She knew it! So, I took my remaining slipper, and closed the gate to her crate! I can’t touch you girlfriend, but I can still lock you up!

You could have thought that I learned my lesson. I went back to my last year pair of slippers grateful I did not get rid of them! I was keeping them safe whenever I was leaving the house. Those slippers are good you see because on top of being warm, they have  rubber soles allowing me to go outside to feed the birds to name one thing! I love birds….. as long as they are wild, free, and don’t interfere with my life meaning don’t you dare try to come inside the house. I have a feather phobia! No clue where it came from, but from the minute I have been walking which is like a half century ago, you could have made me run a marathon by going after me with a feather!

That afternoon I left home, and put my cherished slippers on the counter in my kitchen. Don’t frown: my slippers are not worse than my cats who made the kitchen counters their home away from home! I was feeling good about it because Zoe doesn’t jump. There are two thieves/jumpers in this house: Jackson and Sophie. These two are also the two who never beg at the table, because if they want something, they just help themselves. Begging is beneath them!

Breaking news like would say Nancy Grace: Zoe jumped to get my slippers! And yes I found the remains of one where its sibling had died a week before.

I did not even have to run behind her. She was already in her crate. You see, I can’t punish her, and I would certainly not skip her meal or anything similar. Zeus was starved by the previous families he was with before I rescued him. Making her skip a meal would be cruel and insane!

Zoe having a “Zoe Moment.”

I gave a eulogy to both pairs of slippers: they kept me safe in the snow or ice; they warmed my feet, and protected them against 14 front paws with nails! They were good little slippers.

So now what? I went to Target desperately seeking twins of my slippers. But what can you expect from Target in the middle of February with a foot of snow outside? Winter slippers had already been kicked out of their stores to be replaced by exotic flip flops! Makes sense, right?

Since I am the only one to blame for the senseless murders of my two pairs of slippers, I am now barefoot in the house! That will teach me! Yes, now my feet are like veterans from a lost war with bruises from loving nails from my loving crew!

But I do have a secret: I am expecting! Yes! They should be coming as soon as my postman can access my mailbox buried in the snow (hopefully this weekend since it’s supposed to be in the 50’s!), then he will just have to cross a pond of melted dirty snow! Being a Target girl all the way, I just ordered online one of their last pairs: pink with little pompoms! Am I going to be cute with them or what? And Zoe, not a chance you will get near those: wherever I will go, the slippers will follow me! Got it, girl?